Try not to look at the marvelously hideous fountain that greets you when you walk through the golden gates of the NTR Gardens. All right, so you've seen it. Now drag your eyes away from it, wipe the fear off your face and head onwards to the 'anthill' for more nightmare-worthy sightseeing. This consists of monster-size models of various insect species, all waiting patiently for a freak streak of lightning to breathe life into them so that they may then go on a rampage to wipe out all human life.
Until such a time, you are free to marvel at the landscaping here; hardly a bush is unpruned, hardly a flower unbloomed. The gardens are very well kept, with no litter save the occasional stubborn plastic wrapper. All thanks to the strict security guards who monitor your every move and blow their shrill whistles whenever you walk on the grass, touch the man-made waterfall, sneeze, sing, or flail your arms about madly.
Do visit the tree-house with water slide and zoom down the winding red tunnel from the top of the tree in a rubber raft that you must trust blindly. It's good fun - not too scary and, most importantly, it won't make you vomit. Talking of which, the Gardens aren't the best place for food, so stick with classics like mirchi bajji and munch on them sitting in a vintage car at, where else, the Vintage Car Cafe. Look out for birds sitting overhead.
If you want a whirlwind tour, the train is a good way to travel. The same cannot, however, be said for the boats in the smelly moat around the so-called Japanese Palace (watch out for the too-low bridge or you'll hit your head). Skip the souvenir shop altogether, but if your evening feels incomplete without a rip-off, pay through your nose (ha!) for a portrait that requires you to sit still for long periods of time. Works great with hyper kids.